I started seeing a therapist once a week over a year ago.  The decision to improve my mental health has been life changing.  I believe anyone who would like to know themselves better and be the best version of themselves should try working with a therapist to improve your mental health.  My partner suggested it I try it out. We both realized my digestion problems had to be linked to stress and emotions since my issues would come and go even when my diet was consistent. 

Last week I was introduced to the ‘Drama Triangle’

This valuable piece of knowledge can be applied to everyone’s life and I feel it’s very worthwhile to share and can improve your mental health.  

What is the Drama Triangle?  

There are three roles involved in the Drama Triangle; the victim, the saver and the persecutor.   

Victim Role:  The victim is someone who needs help but no matter who or what helps them it will never be enough and they will continue to remain the victim even when there is a solution to their problem.

Saver Role:  The saver is someone who becomes the victim’s night and shining armor.  They offer one or multiple solutions to help save the victim from their problem but no matter what they do it will never be enough to solve the victims problem.

Persecutor Role:  The persecutor is someone who challenges the victim.  Most of the time the persecutor started in the saver role.  After attempts to ‘save’ the victim they become frustrated that the victim continues to remain a victim after they provided perfectly good solutions.  The victim continues to challenge them (remain a victim) which pushes them to ‘fight back’ and ‘stand up’ to the victim. This may often result in anger, name calling, fighting etc.  

It’s a cycle where the victim stays in the victim role and the other person moves back and forth between saver and persecutor.  Either way it becomes this exhausting cycle of drama that wears on everyone’s mental health.  

What is the solution?  

Don’t step into the ‘Drama Triangle’ aka don’t play the game.  How the hell do you avoid this? Are you un-compassionate if you don’t play the role of the saver?  Are you allowing someone walk all over you (disrespect you) if you don’t play the persecutor role? The answer is simple yet SO hard to put into practice.   Don’t play either role! To avoid taking the role of the saver and persecutor you must instead ask questions or be an observer, not a participant.   

Here is a simple example to help put it into perspective for you.

No Drama Triangle: 

Your colleague at work forgot their wallet and needs to borrow money for lunch.  You reply saying no problem and hand them a $10 from your wallet. Your colleague replies with a thank you and that they will pay you back tomorrow.  Problem solved and no drama.

Taking on the Saver Role:

If the person decides to play the victim role then they reply with another problem.  Keeping the lunch example; the victim replies telling you that $10 isn’t enough because they wanted to eat at Whole Foods so they need $20.  You might continue to save them and offer the $20. Let’s say you agree to lend the $20 and then the victim replies saying thank you and that they will pay you back next week after pay day.  

Taking on the Prosecutor Role:

You agreed to the future payment but that date comes and goes with no word about the money from your colleague.  You notice they have recently been eating lunch out at expensive places which makes you even more annoyed. You decide to tell the victim how rude they are for not repaying their debt as agreed.  This further challenges the victim (who decides to remain the victim for example sake) and the victim replies telling you that they just had to renew their car insurance so money is tight again until the next payday.  You either agree taking the role of the saver or you push back taking the role of the prosecutor. Do you see how it’s easy to get stuck in this cycle of back and forth drama once you’re in the triangle?  

What steps could have been taken to avoid the ‘Drama Triangle’? 

It’s hard to know in exactly each situation but asking questions and staying curious is one strategy I was advised.  In the lunch example; you could have provided the money after an agreed understanding of when the money will be paid back before providing the money.   A simple question such as; ‘Will it work for you to pay me back tomorrow?’ or ‘When will you be able to pay me back?’.

Your head might be spinning or maybe you’re already having some aha moments about the roles you play or the victims in your life.  Staying or even stepping out of the triangle is something that will take time to put into practice. You might be saying easier said than done but with any mental health strategy the first step to change is creating awareness.  Start by becoming aware of these situations (work, family, friends) as they arise in your day to day.  

If your interested in support with this practice I encourage you to investigate therapy options. The idea that there needs to be a major crisis in your life to participate in therapy is a very old age way of thinking. Check out what your insurance provides and you might be surprised by what’s covered. There are many different types of therapies and exactly like a person’s diet there is no one size fits all approach to improve your mental health. If you are interested in learning more about the connections your mental health has to your nutrition and fitness choices, schedule a complimentary health assessment today.